I hate my body right now.
It's not for any reason you're accustomed to hearing from most women, like 'my ass is too big' or 'I have a muffin top.'
This has absolutely nothing to do with body image because, frankly, I have a great butt.
I hate my body right now because it forces me to say one of the two phrases I loathe the most in the world.
(The other is 'I don't know' and that's a whole other story of a different kind.)
My body is rebelling against me, in ways I can't control.
I've gone on — ad nauseum, I'm sure — about my injured shoulder. I've told you how I'm relegated to lower-body training at least until I get my MRI on Feb. 4 and the smarter people figure out what's going on in there.
So, I see myself losing definition in my shoulders. And that's hard to accept.
But now my hips are getting in on the action.
Last week, I told you about my new massage therapist, the odd noise he admitted and his statement 'yeah, you are really twisted up down there.'
Meaning my lower back.
Corey referred me to the owner of his clinic, Dr. Ryan Hoover, chiropractor, skilled in Active Release Technique and friend of a friend who recommended him highly.
Yep, Ryan says, your legs are kind of screwed up ... not in so many words. He was a tad more technical than that.
My left leg is stuck in extension and my right leg is stuck in flexion. Or, vice versa, I can't really remember which.
It causes pain in my lower back. And my left hip flexor, which Ryan says is a result of 'adhesions' caused by the imbalance.
Some things make sense. Like why I have more explosion through my left leg when I'm doing stationary lunges. Or why I feel more load through my right side when I'm doing heavy squats. Or, why I get shin splints on the treadmill.
So, Ryan moved me around with A.R.T., gave me a little crack or two in the lower back and sent me home with instructions to:
A. Sleep with a body pillow so I don't roll onto my stomach and cock up my legs
B. Do a series of stretching exercises
C. Lay on the floor with blocks under my hip and opposing thigh to restore balance
But I haven't been to the gym in a week, due to the ache in my hip flexor.
You know how I love my time at the gym. It's my stress release, my 'me' time, my chance to set hard, realistic goals and achieve them in short time ... things I need more than anything else at this time of year.
Yet, I feel like I can't.
I don't want to exacerbate the problem by falling into bad form to compensate for the imbalances or pain.
I don't want to cause more pain.
I don't want to feel the disappointment of falling short of my numbers, even though I know the longer I stay away, the worse it will get.
Most of all, I don't want to say 'I can't.'
And yet my body is forcing me to say it, reminding me of all the love, blood and sweat I've given to sports in the last 35 years and how little love they've given me back.