Monday, October 5, 2009

Owning my life

The panic attacks aren't near as frequent as they were two weeks ago.

I haven't been gripped by a single nightmare.

Tomorrow is Session 2 of counselling at Calgary Communities Against Sexual Abuse.

I wasn't too thrilled with my counsellor but I'm willing to give us time to warm up to each other. Similar to my first shrink, she's pretty prim and her engagement with me amounted to repeating much of what I had said.

I seem to respond better to someone who will work through the situation with me, guide me, talk to me and give me ideas about which I should think.

Give me a book to read, not 'home work.'

In any case, I did come to a conclusion on my own. My previous therapist, L., helped me realize I make too many decisions based on emotion, instead of rational logic.

Ah, I thought, that must be why one morning I woke and thought, 'I want to buy a truck.' So guess what I did that day? Yup, I bought my truck.

There was no systematic thinking on whether I could afford it, whether the upkeep would be more than my Mustang. Nothing ...

Two weeks ago, I talked my way through the why.

I had one super fantastic important decision taken away from me 20 years ago. After all, few things are more precious to a young girl than her virginity.

I wasn't given a chance to make that decision.

So since then, I've been making rash, impulsive decisions . . . based not on logic, but on a desire - nay, a need - to own that decision, to make it mine.

To not let anyone take that decision away from me.

But as I grow up now, I have to realize that owning my decisions has to mean weighing each incident thoughtfully and strategically, keeping in mind cause and effect every step of the way.

I can still take risks.

I just have to plan for results instead of wait for fallout.

1 comment:

  1. Angela, I think you should keep updating this blog!
    I am really enjoying reading it, and I also just started seeing a counselor to deal with particular events of days gone by. I hope that things are going better with the counselor, although sometimes it is just the act of talking aloud about the past abuse that is therapeutic.
    I hope you are doing well.