Monday, October 5, 2009

A case for whiplash

When I was 14, I was going to grow up and marry Nikki Sixx.

He was my world, my god, my light ... ah, the sweet throbbing of the bass against my ear drums ... She's got looks that kill, ba bum, she's got looks that kill ...

Never mind the grammatical redundancy of 'she's got.'

But I digress ...

Tonight, I Stumbled Upon the Uncyclopedia's wiki for heavy metal, the '666th element of the periodic table of alchemic mixology.'

There's even an isotope dedicated to my favourite band:

Motley Crueium
An element found in hair, typically in Girls, Girls, Girls. First discovered in during the Generation 'Swine', this element is used in heart surgery, usually to provide some kind of 'kickstart'. Dr. Feelgood has been a strong supporter of this element, repeatedly stating "You're All I Need". Apart from surgery, this can also be used as a recreational drug, making the subject feel numb, but at the same time, somehow, 'Welcome' to the Numb. Typically smoked in a masculine environment, overdoses can lead to subjects dying, only to come back to life later. While dead, subjects will Shout at the Devil. Traces of this element found on Planet Boom, as recounted in Heroin Diaries. IF used past its prime however, it will cause weight gain and Hepatitis. One can obtain this in large amounts by praying to the Saints of Los Angeles. Famously used by the hottest models, as this causes them to have the looks that kills. Also found in suprisingly huge amounts in the wild side. Despite its look Good qualities it can't make people fall in Love as it is Too Fast for Love. Heavy users will wake up in a Theatre of Pain with a New Tattoo that can only be removed by Dr. Feelgood.

Oh how I laughed.

And remembered how my mother would snarl in the direction of my Motley Crue posters, mocking their hair and makeup.

She'd laugh when my neck was sore from excessive head banging.

She'd throw out the jeans I had ripped up so I could look like Lita Ford.

She'd yell 'turn that shit down' when I let the boom box on RATT get a little too close to 10 (or could that have been 11?).

The page tracks from Black Sabbath to Avenged Sevenfold, moving from metal's origins to today's industrial and thrash bangers.

It's a terrific tongue-in-cheek review of the most misunderstood genres of music.

And although my mother thought I would one day come to my senses, I remain a thrasher at heart.

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