Thursday, July 16, 2009

Throw me a life preserver

Some time last week I sat down with a cup of tea and turned off all technology.

And I thought, 'Hmmmm, you know ... the highs feel really good but, you know, the lows really suck. Suck monster-sized donkey balls, in fact.'

I rang up my shrink. She's terrific. She talks. She gives feedback. Sometimes in a harsh way, mostly in a thoughtful manner.

She'll often say something that makes me bolt upright and say 'holy shit.'

I just got back from my first appointment in six months. We spent last fall dealing with my mommy issues, figuring out why I'm 37 and still looking for my mother's approval -- especially when it will never come.

So now we've determined that I'm entirely in conflict with myself.

On the one hand, I am exceedingly good at rationalizing situations - gathering all the facts and determining what's right and wrong about the situation.

Let's all suppose I get that extraordinary ability from 15 years as a reporter.

On the other hand, however, I have an underlying river of emotion that I allow to take over and drive my reactions.

Ultimately, and this should come as no surprise to anyone who knows me, I wear my heart on my sleeve.

And that makes me vulnerable.

Essentially, I need to stop putting the facts and rationale into a box and do a better job of compartmentalizing the reactionary emotions.

Today is Day 1.

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