Monday, March 26, 2007

Am I really supposed to swoon?

Note to God, or whomever is in charge ...

The man of my dreams does not chew tobacco.

Picture it.

Saturday night, all dressed up for a night at the Roughnecks game with the gang. It's halftime and we head up to the Whisky.

We hang out, we laugh, we play a little Tippy Cup ... time to head back to our seats.

But first, a pee break.

On the way out of the facilities, we get stopped for a chatup. No biggie.

It's time to continue on but I get stopped for further discussion.

He says, "I need to ask you a question."

I say, "Er ... OK."

He says, "How can you look so pretty and yet so unapproachable at the same time?"

I'm damn near positive the look on my face would have been enough to whither his potential erection for years to come. I fire off a 'because I am' and continue on my way.

But I got to thinking ...

What was it about his question that was supposed to make me swoon.

Oh, Mr. Rhett Butler, I do declare your ardent attentions are givin' me the vapours!


Compliment me and insult me in 14 words and one sentence?

Am I unapproachable?

Or are you just intimidated, setting yourself up for failure because you know you didn't stand a chance?

Then why bother? Or was it just for the entertainment for your buddies? Are you so full of self-loathing that you had to embarrass yourself in front of them?

And for God's sake, did you really imagine I was going to giggle, twirl my hair and bat my eyes for you, while you stood there with leaves of tobacco weaving their gag-inducing way through the jumbled mass of your lower mandible?

Or maybe I was supposed to playfully wipe away the oily black spittle at the side of your mouth?

I swear, if there's a mystery around how women think, it can only be slightly less confusing than the way men think.

I was reminded this morning of an e-mail I sent out a couple of weeks ago. Rumour has it, the originator of the missive is male and I want to find someone who thinks like that.

The e-mail is entitled 'Why Men Love Women' and it reads:

1. They will always smell good even if it's just shampoo.

2. The way their heads always find the right spot on our shoulder.

3. How cute they look when they sleep.

4. The ease in which they fit into our arms .

5. The way they kiss you and all of a sudden everything is right in
the world.

6. How cute they are when they eat.

7. The way they take hours to get dressed but in the end it makes it all worth while.

8. Because they are always warm even when its minus 30 outside.

9. The way they look good no matter what they wear.

10. The way they fish for compliments even though you both know
that you think she's the most beautiful girl on this earth.

11. How cute they are when they argue.

12. The way her hand always finds yours.

13. The way they smile.

14. The way you feel when you see their name on your cell after you
just had a big fight.

15. The way she says "lets not fight anymore"

16. The way that they kiss after you have had a fight.

17. The way they kiss you when you say "I love you".

18. Actually...Just the way they kiss you...

19. The way they fall into your arms when they cry.

20. Then the way they apologize for crying over something that silly.

21. The way they hit you and expect it to hurt.

22. Then the way they apologize when it does hurt (even though we don't admit it).

23. The way they say "I miss you".

24. The way you miss them.

25. The way their tears make you want to change the world so that it doesn't hurt her anymore...

Yet regardless if you love them, hate them, wish they would die or know that you would die without them it matters not. Because once in your life, whatever they were to the world they become everything to you. When you look them in the eyes, traveling to the depths of their souls and you say a million things without trace of a sound, you know that your own life is inevitable consumed within the rhythmic beatings of her very heart. We love them for a million reasons, no paper would do it justice. It is a thing not of the mind but of the heart.

A feeling.

Only felt.

So where is he? Because I've never been more ready to welcome him into my life.

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